Dear My Present Self

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Dear My Present Self

Dear my-present-self

This has been a long journey, obviously not a perfectly easy one.
So many winding and bumpy roads, confusing intersections of life, unexpected turn overs, unpredictable dead ends, blocking walls, and steep cliffs; it caused you to walk, to run, and sometimes forced you to crawl, to climb. Sometimes you broke down into tears, sometimes you thought you might give up. Yet, you’ve still been believing so much in yourself, and see. it brought you this far.
Following where the never ending road might take you to, you’ve been bravely took any risk and walked with all your might while facing anything unpredictable directly. Even you felt so unsure, you would always move forward one step in a time. There might be fears and doubt in some steps of your life, but you made your choice and walked again persistently.
Strongly, you feared not of making mistakes. It’s just so humane. It was okay to make one, at least you’ve tried your best. Mistakes would always happen, and if it wasn’t fixable, you would take the risk and go with consequences.
You regretted nothing, and never looked back.
That’s how you’ve been living on.

But lately, what an unbelievable feeling that starts growing emerging within you. A little feeling that been denied, but its existence is real with these hint after another.
Since when you felt you couldn’t do anything right, so it’s okay for other person to belittle you upon your mistakes?
Since when you’ve scared of making mistakes, just because you fear what kind of words that would hurt your feeling later on?
Since when you’ve thought that you deserve to be hurt over your incapability of pleasing someone’s expectation of you?
Since when you’ve allowed yourself to live under the fear of doing something wrong every single day? That a sudden call out of nowhere could stop your heartbeat to recall anxiously if there’s some possibly mess you’ve done those day.
Since when you’ve felt helpless of being a person that being pointed over and over again as a source of somebody’s misfortune?
Since when…
Since when you’ve begun to see yourself as a worthless one?

Dear my-present-self,
Deep down, you know perfectly what’s going on and how it eats you from inside. Something is not right and being out of place. There’s nobody who has a permit to belittle your journey and accomplishments, no matter how small it might sound, comparing to them. Nobody should ever under-look what you’ve been through. Nobody should blame you for how they feel about you and themselves.
But more importantly, there’s should be nobody you allow to change the way you perceive yourself. Having many advantages and supportive surrounding doesn’t mean you hadn’t fight your best, and doesn’t make you fought less.

This is not about other people. This is not about the source from the outside problem.
This is all about you, the truth that lies within you. No matter what people say, it would only affect you as much as you allow them to.
Remember close to every step of your journey that has been shaping you into who you are now. See, you’ve walked an incredible one this far.
Hold on to what you believe in yourself since the very start, nobody could change that facts.
Stay strong to what you’ve been proud of yourself, not to every little blame you heard.
Put still the love for yourself in the very first place, because if it isn’t you who love yourself, then who would?

You could be loved by many people.
But above all, you should know surely, you are loved….., by yourself
That’s the very important point many people overlook at.

So yah, lady…
Dear you, myself in this present time…., worry not.
Fear not of making mistakes once again, it won’t make you deserving any kind of hurt.
Walk again with pride of yourself, and just ignore things that are said to bring you down.
Your worth would never be less, as long you don’t permit it so.

I love you, more than anybody would do in this world!
You, the amazing girl I witnessed this far

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#30HariMenulisSuratCinta Day-10

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