Monthly Archives: March 2014

March, 26th 2014

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Another year to grow older and wiser. Stronger yet kinder, tougher and happier.

Matur nuwun Gusti Allah. I know I’m more than blessed. Throughout all, whenever I’m trying to count on Your blessings after me, I lose the count. It’s still too wonderful, it is high. I cannot attain unto it.
Despite the difficulties, Your grace is beyond anything I could ask for.

Thank you for another year, You’ve granted me to live with. I won’t ask for anything, just show me Your way; so I shall let go anything that differs me from Your chosen path. Guide me to the happiness that will ever last. Amen.

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Welcome, 29th! 😀
Let’s enjoy the ride!

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The Most Painful Thing

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The most painful thing in life is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.
-Ernest Hemingway

Inevitably, yes. That is what I’ve been forgetting. It’s who I am inside I have to remember; the incredible journey I’ve been walking this far I should be proud of. Not being good enough for someone, doesn’t mean I’m not special. Not being able to please someone’s expectation, doesn’t mean I worth less. If it wasn’t me who love myself at the very first place, than who shall would? If it wasn’t me who defend myself, then who shall would?

I shall remember all over again.

The Sea of Energy

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Wasn’t feeling well recently, I bet it was pretty easy to see. There was a big hole inside of me that dried up all the spirit out of me. Losing appetite, to the point I need to force myself consuming something in order to survive. Sleep deprivation came occur, as I finally understood what the real insomnia means. Disturbing. Things turned upside down; no matter how I tried to stay strong, it stayed for a while before all gone soon. Seriously, maintaining the positive vibes are tiring, so much of energy consuming. It’s easier to give up on negativity and let the devastating pain take the whole control; pitying self, torturing body, and complaining all over.

As it started affecting my temper towards my little Bum, I knew I was in urgency to do something. The soul needs to be recharged, the positivity needs to be powered up, the energy inside needs to be replaced. But how? Talking about recharging device means to plug it into a power cord; but to charge the soul that has run down the positivity, where should we find the energy to fill it once again? I’ve been looking the answer for days, searching for an option or two, and having fun with friends like I used to do; still, the anxiety ruled over me. Beaten up, I was. Begging for help, I did.

Hopelessly trying, there is one secret beach I knew. Hidden itself behind the steeply hundreds of stairs, it was almost nobody there, it was a virgin one. White sands and blue sky, with the crystal clear blue greenish sea in the surface; it’s all isolated from the crowd, storing the majestic amount energy of nature. The sound of waves called my name, the forest that covered its place sang its invitation. “Please come,” they said so, “We have plenty for our own. Seek, you will find. Ask, and it shall be given.”

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Thus, there I was in one morning hop. Alone by my own, as far as I glanced. Nothing I did at first, but sat on the white sands that covering its beach. The nature greeted me warmly; the waves ran together to the shore and washed my feet, the sun shined brightly over a big blue sky, the sand tickled underneath, the glittering water reflected light on the surface, the forest behind sang a calming lullaby. I closed my eyes, I sensed every single bit of it. They welcomed me home, and somehow it was deliberating.

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Through its warm peaceful greeting, the emotion I’ve been pressing under suddenly found its courage to let itself out of my chest. Out of nowhere, I ran to the sea. It was anger, I screamed upon. It was disappointment, I shouted about. It was frustration, I squealed into. Bluntly, as there’s nothing could hurt us more than people we love most. In the middle of the sea, I let it out freely. Tired of repressing, nothing to hold any longer.
It took a while before I stopped and calmed myself down. In the brief of moment, the last tears fell down. I cried, for I finally accepted. There was devastating pain and insecurities, but no matter how hurt I am, the love I have would stay there still and nothing would change over that simply pain of mine. That’s the truth I shall admit, as a part of unfair fate should be permitted.

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The chest felt lighter afterwards, the breath consoled itself. In the moment of silence, I glanced around and realize: this beach is storing a beyond huge amount of energy, as they been preserved by the universe itself without humans intervention. Cleaner the surrounding, greater the energy. After all, universe itself is consisted from a sea of energy. Everything was being made from the same essences: the sun and the stars, the sky and the ground, the sea and the land. Human is no exception, there’s no separation. During the moment of insufficient, all I need is just reconnect myself to the universe itself and ask for a fraction of its energy to be shared.

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So I did. I blended myself with every sense of energy I experienced and got surprised by how theirs matched with mine. Every single entity shared a fraction from what they had; the shining sun, rushing wave, tickling sand, and the calming forest. A tiny bit from each, combined into a more than enough amount for me to survive; the energy inside was recharged completely to the fullest state it possibly be. Gratefully, I opened my eyes to offer a thankful bow to the surrounding. This time, I knew I’ve been saved and the rest should no longer be a case.

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The anxiety might still there, and so does with pain; yet, it wasn’t as devastated as before. Acceptance is a life-time process, as long there’s a plenty amount of positive vibes within me, it should be fine to deal with. After all, there’s nothing I could lose anymore; it’s been long gone since before. Nothing to afraid of.

Then I walked back home, and finally could enjoyed my plate of meal once again. Things will gradually get better, for sure.
This just another start.

My Best Friend’s Wedding

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Flashback to four years backward, separated by thousand miles away. There was messages exchanged, passing through the far distance and different timezone, back and forth. It was a marriage topic we were talked about; the unsureness of witnessing how bad marriage could fail miserably. Too many of examples around us with one red connection above all, regretting the knot they once tied themselves up. The vow being broken, the other person intervering, and yes, our faith in marriage kept declining. Such a scary world, we thought; it was a trap that should be avoided.

Then we asked the very question to each other: with these facts that been haunting us, would we still decide to put each of us into a marriage one day? A moment of silence, before the unsureness arrived. It was our young and foolish days; love should be careless, free, and fun. No, it was too far away beyond our thought, we refused to think further. Yet, there was a brief sentence sent as a haste conclusion: there might be a point of life when we know that we have to stop. Afterwards, the discussion ended right there.

Fast forward to a year after, after a series of heart break we’d been experienced. Love came and dried away, lust being used, and heart being played. It was just another good bye I had, and you called right away to make sure everything was okay. We talked over things, laughed over broken heart, and again the doubtful sentences was spoken out.
No marriage I could picture myself into in some future years.
You laughed and agreed for yourself. Love wasn’t on our side, leave over the marriage on the side.

Yet, at this present day, only two years after our doubtful talk, I’m writing this with a ring on my finger, while composing a congratulation wish for your wedding day. Time flies and changes everything, maturing thoughts and mind, ripened love we percieves. It doesn’t mean the doubt has been wiped away completely, though. It stays there, but now it isn’t as haunting as before. You were right, at one point of life, we would know that this just the time to stop, with the person worth the risk. Surely, there’s a time of everything.

So, yeah, dear Olly
This is the day we’ve been talking about since years ago; the day when everything comes clear and the questions being answered. It’s your rides and broken hearts I’ve been witnessing throughout years, and now it’s all becomes worthwhile. Beyond happy, more than glad, even more than proud. I am. You’ve been walking this far and you did great.
You, deserve her. A right partner for your journey and adventure of life.
And yes, she’s worth fighting for.

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Happy wedding, fella!
Wishing you the happiest thing as it possibly be 🙂

Inner Dialogue

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Are you okay?
I am.
Are you sure?

Throw that mask, seriously, are you okay now?
…. No, I’m not. But I’m trying my best to.
What do you feel?
Suffocated. Lost. Tearing between two.
Why?
Hardly positioning myself between acceptance and feeling betrayed by two.
Are you hurt?
Do you still need to ask?
If that is so, why forcing yourself hard to accept?
Because that’s nothing I can do to change the facts.
It’s okay to be mad, you know. It’s okay to let it out your chest.
I just …. can’t. Those two are too precious.
Then, what’s keeping you here, still?
… Errr, love? Forgiveness?
Even when you are no longer desired?

If you are no longer wanted, then why should you stay?

*and that’s the question that remains unsolved within.

Tomorrow’s Memory

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Taking pictures, freezing moments; that’s what I used to do from time to time. The scenery that took my breath away, the event that I enjoyed much, the food I liked, the person I treasured most, and many more to be framed into still images, where I could look back one day in the future. Those are memories I would like to keep dearly forever close; who’s gonna take a picture of something they hate afterall? As I clicked the shutter, I alone decided, it was things worth to remember.

One single picture could tell a thousand words, they said. Sure, it is. Beyond the image itself, there were captured the ambience, the sense, the smell, and mostly, the feeling we had that day. Laughters, tears, smiles, happiness, sadness; all at once would be recalled just with a single glance towards a picture in the hand. Relieving, yet scary at the same time, I should say. Life keeps turning and changing, nothing will last eternally. How would it be, if one day we decide to forget what once we decided to remember? As the memory been preserved still, would it be a torturing reminder?

I think, the most painful one is to see a laughter captured, while the joy is no longer there. To feel the intimacy shown, while the love has torn apart. To sense the presence presented, while the person has been long gone. It’s the gap between memories and reality over time that kills slowly from the inside; haunting and suffocating. Rousing the grief, recalling the heartache, reviving the agony. All at once.

And there it was, those devil hided itself in between hundreds of picture I recently had. I saw innocent laughters and ingenuous happiness; it was a joy of reuniting togetherness captured. The joy that formed itself over the wall of clueless mind, and been scattered not so far away after. That was hurt, inevitably. The picture brought the memory that pierced right away inside, as it was one thing I treasured much once. But the joy is no longer there, love has torn apart, and the person I thought I knew has been long gone without a notice. Life goes on turning and changing, what left still is just a frame of smiling two.

It’s aching terribly, but it’s alright. What has done is done; who could change the past afterall? A frame of memories is just a reminder of what we had once, and now it’s time to let go. As today’s special moment will be vanishing into memory, the pain I experience at this present day will soon become tomorrow’s memory as well. That’s a part of process, thus I should have no worries towards the future.

This too shall pass, and become memories, as always. No matter bitterly it is, there will be another time in the future, where I glance back to its frame with a smile on my face.
And yes, it will still worth to remember. Once I’m healed.