“I know I leave a life behind, but I’m too relieve to grief.” -Let it Go (Frozen)
Early of this year, it was a time of my life, where I drown deeper and lost further each day, to the point I didn’t even remember who I was. My whole universe was crumbled and left me broken into worthless pieces. Full of insecurities and negativity, I walked day by day with nothing to be awaited for. An empty shell, a dying soul. Until one point, I looked at the mirror with a lifeless reflection staring back at me. Hated seeing who I saw, so I began to ask myself the million dollar question.
“Are you happy?”
No, I knew I didn’t.
A big change in my life, I realised that I had to make it. Tired of being lost and worthless, I decided to strive my way of regaining my self-worth back all over again. A happier soul and cleaner mind; a completely better me. That was what I aimed to achieve.
People said, a good exercise contributes much to make us feel good about ourselves. It helps you to ignite the endorphin inside and make you happier instantly. So there it was, the starting point of everything. With full awareness, for the first time in my life, I signed myself unto a trap called fitness centre. I remember of not wishing anything, but only a great burst of endorphin hormones rushing over and pushing the worry out of me. In a progress to be a better happier Sara with more positively on her side, I whispered.
Discreetly, I made my own hashtag to remind me of my goal and encourage myself to keep persisting to be better. No matter how hard it was; no matter how pitch black the road ahead looked like.
As cheesy as it might, but yes.
To be an awesome me, an awesome Sara by the end of 2014.
Day by day, it wasn’t like the anxiety was automatically being shed out. Yet, indeed it gradually got better as the devastating state decreased. I kept asking myself every day, what would make me happy today and I went to pursue it. Slowly but sure, a better me would come soon. I told myself to wait patiently.
In every ups and downs on the pursuit of happiness, I insisted to keep walking bravely, while trying not to care about the sign of time. Every day was a new discovery to reveal many hidden sides of me I never knew existed. From working out at gym to clean up my mind, which later led me to a much healthier life-style, to the spontaneous adventures to enrich my soul and rediscover the me-I-once-knew, then later to the growth of my make up kit to enhance my physical appearance.
Body combat and zumba classes, running sessions, fruit detox, mayo diet journey, beauty classes. Little did I knew, every little things had been added up slowly to transform myself magically.
Time goes by. Slowly but sure, things change. As I’ve been focussing myself on building a better universe of me, every other things started falling into the right places. One after another. Without I realised, 2014 is almost reaching its end in about a month and so.
Then I look back to see, have I been an awesome person I wished to be?
Well, have I? 🙂
I don’t know about ‘awesome’, but I know for sure, this is what I wanna be. A secret wish that finally came true.
Physically, I transformed a lot. I lost 10kg within this year and never felt so much better than this. Not in my younger days, not even on the teenage years . Also, with the make-up techniques that been sharpened up from many beauty classes I attended, it does magic to my days. Regaining my self-worth and confidence back, as well as opening new windows of chances.
Mentally, I grow stronger and wiser, yet even more gentle. I learn to appreciate people more, to embrace, and to let go. Also, I learn to detach myself from complicated people and negative emotions. Believing that I have the right to choose my happiness and take care of my feeling, above what others might think or feel about me. The point is, I would never be good enough for someone who doesn’t appreciate me the way I am. Thus, I better appreciate myself more. Life becomes much more simpler and lighter that way. And as for things I cannot change, then acceptance is a life-time process of learning. To a person that matter most, it’s all worth it.
Seeing who I am and comparing her to who I was, sometimes it feels surreal. It seems like seeing a totally different life of different person. To leave it behind, so much relieving I am. God is good, God is always good. He knows I’m trying my best to be a better person each day, and His blessings are beyond anything I could wish for. A happier soul and cleaner mind, I prayed. A new me, He granted it as bonuses.
Striving to be a better me is a life-time process as well. It’s still a month left to complete the resolution #menujuawesomeSara2014, then I’ll find another hashtag to encourage me getting much much more better in the following years. But as for now, if I have to ask the one million dollar question again, I love the way I could answer confidently.
“Are you happy, Sara?”
Because I’ve fought to be so.